We have all got that one friend who told you 1000 times that he/she needed to break up with her/his boyfriend/girlfriend or get a divorce. You have been the empathetic, encouraging and supportive listener but they ran back to the same person again and again.
Maybe you are that friend yourself.
We learn what “love and intimacy” are a lot earlier than puberty. As children we sought attachment from our caregivers and familiarised ourselves with what “love” is with the feedback we received from them.
The familiar love and relationship we learnt can look like:
- Emotional Chaos: frequent episodes of anger outburst, depression and anxiety that makes you feel like riding a roller coaster or walking on eggshells
- Self-betrayal: you have to always say yes when you feel like a no just to maintain harmony in the relationship
- Loneliness: you feel that you are not acknowledged, seen or heard. There is not much emotional involvement. Your partner appears to be emotionally unavailable for you.
- Discouragement: your partner is always telling you “but” “however” “you cannot” and that can discourage you from trying new things.
- Lack of Autonomy: you feel controlled in even the smallest decisions
- Over Caregiving: you always sacrifice your own needs to meet his/her needs.
- Fear of Abandonment: you feel like he/she will leave you and you often feel insecure in the relationship. You are described as “needy” and “clingy”.
- Sex and Only Sex: while sex is a huge part of a relationship, it appears that it is the only language you speak with your partner. You crave more than sex as a way to connect.
- Perfection is Key: your flaws are always being magnified and you are afraid to make mistakes
“Unresolved trauma has us confuse familiar behaviour as sexual attraction” said Dr. Nicole LePera, a renowned psychologist on healing.
Love is a gift.
We want to choose and co-create what is healthy in a relationship instead of only choosing and co-creating what is familiar. Start with knowing and loving yourself so that you have the readiness for an authentic connection – to receive the gift of love.
Happy valentine’s day!
If you are unsure and have struggles in your relationships and hoping to look for some guide light, come and talk to our Counselling Psychologist, Jessica Lau. Call +852 2327 7121 or connect with us here.
· 情緒炸彈: 一段關係中對方有很多憤怒、難過或焦慮，讓你常常覺得自己要像踩鋼線一般小心翼翼。
· 自我背叛: 在一段關係中即使你不想你也會說想。好像總是要背叛自己去成全一段關係。
· 寂寞: 你在訴說的對方總是不理解，看不到、聽不到你的感受。
· 局限: 對方總是跟你說「但是」「不可能」，反正就是「鼓勵的相反」。
· 控制: 在對方面前感受不到自由，好像決定權都在對方手上。
· 無限照顧: 對方像你的大兒子或大女兒一樣總是要你無限照顧而很少可以令你感受到被照顧。
· 遺棄: 對方讓你很沒有安全感。你總是覺得他可以隨時離你而去。
· 性和只有性: 性在親密關係中是重要的一環。可是這好像是你和對方唯一的語言。有時你也希望可以和他有另外一種聯繫的方式。
· 不夠好: 對方總是看到你的不完美、不夠好。在對方面前很難有自信。