Walking on eggshells

Growing up with unpredictable parents can leave lasting wounds on children, and the adults they become. Across many different cultures, my clients express sentiments like “My father is angry,” or “She has to be right all the time,” or “He just explodes as anything and everything.” 

We may have felt that we had to walk on eggshells at home, to avoid triggering our parents’ rage. Growing up in a household run by irritable or angry parents can leave us ‘there’ - feeling helpless or trapped in the past, even when we’re adults. 

In the moments when we’re confronted with anger, we’re brought back to our childhood selves, relying on coping mechanisms we developed to protect ourselves from our parents’ rage, even though we’ve long since left the childhood home.

Let’s explore the different emotional responses to anger.

Anxiety

As a child, we may have felt very anxious around our parents. Our parents were unpredictable and it was hard to guess what could trigger their rage. 

Whether it was a big mistake, or something as simple as spilling water, it was difficult to understand what could cause an explosive emotional response. Our parents may have yelled, shouted, or perhaps even hit us. 

When we grow up, we might be stressed or worried about our actions. We might have an internal narrative of ‘Am I doing the right thing? What will people think of me?”

We might find ourselves in, or struggle to leave working environments, or relationships, that are unsafe, unpredictable or demanding, as these feel normal to us. In some ways, we might be addicted to the stress of them - since childhood, we’ve been wired for unpredictability from our parents.

Depression

If the child in us always felt like they were criticised or condemned for their actions, we may have felt we were never worthy of compliments - that we were never enough. 

It may have deeply wounded us that we only heard words of shame from our caregivers, and we may have internalised that shame in adulthood. This can manifest as depression. We might feel inadequate, worthless, or question our capabilities. 

We might be prone to withdraw from other people socially, find it hard to trust others and build relationships. If we do build relationships, we may question our worth, or find it hard to believe that we’re truly loveable. If something goes wrong in those relationships, we might withdraw or blame ourselves for the conflict. 

Anger, frustration and resentment

Perhaps as a child we felt resentful for not being understood. Our parents may have mis-interpreted our actions and assumed that we were trying to be difficult. We may have been angry that we were being accused of doing things wrong when we were only trying our best.

We may have carried that anger forwards into adulthood and become very defensive - perhaps being aggressive or offensive when we think someone is on the attack. 

We may be hypervigilant of other people’s actions, looking out for clues that people might be going to hurt us. We might snap easily, because we would rather hurt someone else than be hurt by them. We yell back, or shout first. We see in ourselves the person we never wanted to become - we see our parents. 

While we have all the right to be angry, behaviours that hurt other people are never acceptable. 

Hurt people hurt people 

We might see and understand that beneath our parents’ anger there is deep sadness, loneliness and insecurity that they were never able to embrace or process. 

While it can be useful to gain some perspective on our parents’ actions, it doesn’t take away the hurt that the child inside us feels. 

Working with childhood wounds

Know that you are not alone if you are wounded by irritation, anger and rage. Know that you don’t have to be wounded for any longer. Counselling and psychotherapy can provide space for you to explore feelings from your present that are rooted in your familial history. It is possible to heal the wounds of your past, and feel safer and more balanced in your present. The healing is in you today.