Emotional wellbeing for pregnancy

Having a baby can be one of the most enriching experiences life has to offer. It can deepen our sense of purpose, give us new meaning, great happiness and open our hearts more fully to love. At the same time, it can be stressful, bringing many underlying issues to the fore. 

When you discover you are pregnant, a degree of anxiety is natural and common. Becoming a mother is a significant life transition, affecting identity, life purpose, work, finances, and relationships.

On a psychological level, deep-rooted fears can emerge - childhood issues, your relationship with your mother or fear of replicating familial patterns. During pregnancy you may be introspecting - considering what type of parent you want to be and how your life will change.

Then - the baby comes. Alongside this miracle of new life and magical moments, late night feeds and sleepless nights also begin. You might feel overwhelmed as you adapt to caring for your baby’s needs, often at the expense of your own.

Hormonal changes can heighten anxious thoughts and feelings. Your body, mind, and emotions go through a lot of changes in pregnancy and after delivery. Unplanned pregnancies can create more intense strain in all these areas and extra support is important.

The pressure and expectations of motherhood

In my practice, I meet many mothers who are worried about getting motherhood ‘right’. They want to do it differently to their parents. They’ve read all the books. Many know that their ability to connect with their baby affects their child’s development, and are frustrated with themselves when they feel angry or stressed. They want to be perfectly attuned to their baby all the time. 

While this is well-intentioned, it can add further pressure and do more harm than good. New mothers, just like everyone else, will feel a full range of emotions - and that is okay. 

Negative emotions are a natural part of life, pregnancy and motherhood. Postnatal depression affects around 15% of mothers - and the baby blues affect up to 80%. It’s normal to feel weepy or worried in the weeks after birth. 

New mothers don’t need to be happy all the time. Allowing ‘negative’ emotions such as fear, hurt, anger or anxiety to be experienced in a safe way is far healthier than continually denying or repressing them. In the long run, this improves maternal mental health and will allow mothers to be more available and responsive to their child. Remember that ‘good enough’ is the goal, not perfection.

Leaning into immediate relationships, like those with their partner, family and close friends, can provide much needed relief. Practical support is key, like help with cooking nourishing meals or having someone hold the baby so Mum can shower, or simply have a moment of peace. Supplements can help support their nutritional profile, which is key for mental and physical wellbeing after birth. 

A holding field between mother and baby

Babies are affected by their mother’s emotions; and their mother is affected by her environment, as demonstrated by early developmental psychology, modern neuroscience and ancient traditions like Chinese Medicine. 

The holding field is a connective tether between mother and their baby in which energetic, emotional, instinctive, intuitive, and spiritual transmission occur. Initially this holding field occurs across the umbilical cord, but the connection continues even after birth. 

Psychotherapist and author, Franklyn Sills explains that the Mother generates a ‘safe holding field by the way she holds, carries, feeds, moves, speaks to, gazes at and responds to her infant,’ and that the holding field provides protection from the intensity of the outside world.

In the womb (and the early years) the baby is extremely vulnerable and dependent. A safe, empathic relational field creates trust between mother and baby - allowing the baby to feel secure enough so that their ‘true self’ can emerge. Sills states that caring touch allows the baby to ‘truly inhabit the body’ and clearly define the ‘dividing line between me and not-me.’ If the baby feels sufficiently ‘held,’ it ‘senses both separateness and interconnectedness’ with its mother, which is key for healthy development of the self, giving the baby a coherent sense of being, fluid, stable, self-system.

If Mum has a lack of inner stability or support outside of herself, she will not be as available to her baby, disrupting the empathic maternal holding field. If she is constantly struggling with worries, anxiety or depression, then the baby may experience her as distant or emotionally unavailable. If these impingements in the maternal holding field are continually experienced then the little one develops defensive and protective states as a natural instinct to survive. 

Supporting maternal mental health and maintaining a healthy holding field is one of the best ways to support your baby’s brain health and emotional development.

Why your support network matters

The holding field between mother and baby doesn’t exist in a void. Environmental, emotional and energetic factors also affect this field, including the mother’s support network and her wider sphere - her partner, family, friends, society, culture and the set of circumstances she finds herself in. 

The father, or partner plays a critical role. According to Sills, they provide their own protective field which defends the mother from the pressures and stresses of the outside world. This allows the mother to ‘rest in her own being-state, and sense her natural interconnectedness with infant’s being.’ 

Mum’s ability to be present for her baby and create an empathic holding field are dependent on the circumstances in which she finds herself. Perhaps she doesn’t have a partner, perhaps she is far from family. Many expectant mums here in Hong Kong are away from their original culture, community, family, and support network. This can leave them feeling more vulnerable, perhaps even with a sense of isolation. 

If that’s you - don’t worry. Selective attunement (from Mum) is something we all experience as infants. 

Psychiatrist Frank Lake discussed the ‘good enough womb of spirit’ in which when faced with difficult circumstances, Mum was still able to hold her baby with love and security. These circumstances can support the baby in future when they come across challenging situations - arming them with a sense of self-resourcing and an internal sense of safety. 

When the ground feels shaky, leaning on your community can provide support - whether that includes your partner, your family, friendships, or other mothers from antenatal or postnatal groups. 

Think through what emotional support looks like for you - and ask for it. If you don’t have access to supportive, close relationships, feel uncomfortable asking others for help, or are feeling overwhelmed regardless, reach out to a professional. Maybe you’re unsure if you’ll be able to balance household demands with your new baby – hiring a cook or a cleaner, even for a few hours, may help provide some relief. 

If you find it hard to lean on others when you’re having difficult emotions - a psychologist or psychotherapist can give you a safe place to experience and relieve strong emotions or worries during pregnancy and/or post-partum. Moreover, they can help ease the life transition and support expectant mothers to cultivate their inner resources at different stages of pregnancy: child-bearing, childbirth, and post-partum. On a very practical level, relaxation techniques and breathing practices can help with lack of sleep; supporting birth, and even breast-feeding.

At IMI we help mothers-to-be identify and build positive support networks and the capacity to cope with the stress that comes with being a new mother – leaving you more space to enjoy your newborn while regaining your confidence and feeling normal – like ‘you’ again. 

References
Being and becoming, Franklyn Sills, 2009