Why breakups hurt: How long is ‘too long' to be heartbroken?

No one enters a relationship with the intention of breaking up, and no one gets married with a plan to divorce. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a reality we never anticipated – sometimes a relationship that we thought was forever, ends. 

After a breakup, you might be questioning: why – even now, are you still unable to let go? How much longer will this heartache last?

The science of heartbreak is complex – and understanding it can help you better understand what you’re going through.

Why is it so hard to get over a relationship ending?

In psychology, the end of a romantic relationship is a unique form of traumatic experience known as an ambiguous loss. 

This concept was first introduced by psychologist Pauline Boss. Traditional bereavement (the death of a loved one) has a clear boundary: a life has ended, the funeral takes place, and society provides space for the grieving process. 

After a breakup, the person you’re mourning is still alive. 

You might see updates from them on social media, run into them in shared spaces, or hear their name mentioned by friends. Yes, they have vanished from your life. You were each other’s closest confidants, but now you have become ‘familiar strangers.’

Some forms of ambiguous loss occur while a relationship is still ongoing. Though you haven’t officially broken up or divorced, the person has fundamentally changed. They are no longer the person you once knew. 

Unlike death, where your brain clearly registers that something has come to an end, a breakup creates a state of confusion– is this chapter closed, or is it unfinished? This can lead to ‘frozen grief,’ where the brain is unable to initiate natural healthy processing of sorrow. 

The intense pain of heartbreak

In the field of neuroscience, the psychological pain resulting from a breakup is virtually indistinguishable from bodily pain from a car accident or a burn. The neural circuits and response mechanisms activated in the brain are the same.

Dr. Ethan Kross, a neuroscientist at Columbia University, recruited a group of participants who had recently experienced the pain of a breakup. While undergoing functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the participants were asked to engage in two types of experiences:

   1. Psychological pain: viewing photographs of their former partners while recalling the experience of being rejected or going through a breakup.

   2. Physical pain: being subjected to thermal stimulation on their skin, inducing a physical sensation of pain comparable to being scalded by hot coffee or suffering a physical injury.

The fMRI scans revealed that when participants recalled their breakup, the core regions of the brain responsible for processing physical pain were strongly activated.

Scientific research has confirmed that the psychological distress triggered by a breakup utilizes the "same neural network" as actual physical trauma (such as a car accident or a burn). The brain cannot fully distinguish between the sensation of physical injury and emotional trauma; to the brain, both are real and acute forms of "pain."

This can be understood through the lens of human biology. In ancient times, being abandoned by one’s tribe or a partner meant facing wild beasts alone, which carried an extremely high risk of death. Consequently, the brain evolved a mechanism to translate ‘social pain’—such as that experienced during a breakup—into an acute physical sensation of pain. The purpose of this is to issue an urgent, high-intensity danger signal, compelling you to seek connection or take steps to protect yourself.

Withdrawal response

The state of love stimulates the brain to secrete large amounts of dopamine. In love, the dopamine supply to the brain is suddenly interrupted, and neuroimaging shows that the activation pattern of the lovelorn brain is very similar to the neural response of a drug addict during withdrawal. This physiological response triggers real physical pain such as muscle tightness, chest tightness, and stomach pain.

If you get hit by a car, maybe you don’t blame yourself for taking time to recover from the injury. But for the sadness of falling out of love, we accuse ourselves of not being strong enough. It takes time for the brain to reorganize neural networks and recover from the withdrawal response. Falling out of love takes time to repair, it doesn't mean you're weak, it just reflects that you're someone who once truly loved.

How can we navigate this long process of healing?

You were a warrior in love and now you’re facing a depth of sorrow that is a testament to that same courage. As Dr Colin Murray Parks says “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

The goal right now should not be to stop feeling sad. Unless you never loved at all, that would be impossible—it would go against human nature.

Instead, we can try to carry this heart-wrenching grief with us as we continue to live our lives. 

Initiate the grieving process

Your brain may still perceive the relationship as ongoing, which prevents the grieving process from beginning. Therefore, the first step is to acknowledge that the relationship has truly ended. You and this person will not be creating any more memories together in the foreseeable future. 

You can say to yourself: I allow myself to still love them. I allow myself not to understand why they chose to walk away. Yet, I can respect that they have chosen the life they believe is best for them.

Your relationship has, in this time and space, come to a definitive end. A relationship cannot exist if one person has left. Allow yourself to accept this as an unchangeable fact—this will enable your brain to begin the process of grieving.

Help your brain forge new neural pathways

Old neural pathways like the habit of calling your now ex-partner after finishing work aren’t available anymore. 

Over time, the brain will gradually weaken these existing connections, but during this process ‘withdrawal signals’ are sent to those old pathways. You can try to re-anchor your life (for instance, by exercising, engaging in creative pursuits, or meeting friends after work) to establish new habits, behaviors, skills, and ways of thinking, which will help your brain rewire itself. 

It is best to avoid contact with your ex-partner during this period, as it could disrupt the brain’s adaptation process. This rewiring typically takes about 3 to 6 months, but sometimes, longer. Be patient with yourself; every time you choose not to react according to an old habit, or decide to try a new way of thinking, you are laying the groundwork for new neural pathways.

Direct your love toward yourself

The love you hold, and your capacity to love, has always been present. You can shift your focus from them to yourself. Cherish yourself and tend to your wounds. Open yourself up to the companionship of those who love you, or even to the support of a professional specializing in grief counseling.

Even when your neural map has been fully updated, and even when you know the ending was the right decision, it might remain a source of profound sadness—to no longer share small, everyday moments, or to realize that the places you once planned to visit together will now go unvisited.

Rather than feeling you ‘need to let go’ of this grief, it is far more helpful to simply ‘allow it to exist.’ Allow yourself to cry when the tears come, to feel anger when it arises, and to sit with your own confusion and uncertainty when you feel lost.

And then, keep getting up.

Get up, brush your teeth.

Get up, brush your teeth, take a 15-minute walk in the park.

Get up, brush your teeth, take a 15-minute walk in the park, and spend 20 minutes exercising at the gym.

Get up, brush your teeth, take a 20-minute walk in the park, spend 35 minutes at the gym, and meet a good friend for an hour.

One foot in front of the other, step by step.

It is not time itself that heals you—it is life.

Trust that a day will come when your life has grown so rich and expansive that it can comfortably hold this grief within it. This is a process of your own personal expansion; no one has the right to judge whether it is taking ‘too long.’

You deserve to move forward, pause, step back, and move forward again—all at your own pace. On those particularly turbulent and difficult days, simply breathing is enough.

When do you need to seek help for heartbreak?

In the weeks or months following a breakup, it is quite common to experience emotional fluctuations (crying, nostalgia, sudden memories of your ex partner) and short-term changes in your sleep or appetite. However, if you’re struggling to continue managing your daily life – you may benefit from professional support.

You’re feeling worse as time passes

- You feel overwhelmed by the same intense pain almost every day, with no signs of relief.

- You remain trapped in the same recurring thoughts. It will never get better. It’s all my fault. How could they do this to me? I don’t deserve to be loved. My life is a failure. 

You’re not able to function in your day to day life

- You’re unable to attend work or school, chronically late, burnt out, struggling to focus.

- Social withdrawal to the point of isolation. 

- You’re using alcohol, drugs, or behavioral addictions like excessive phone use or gambling to escape reality.

- You’re struggling to care for yourself and have lost your structured daily routine: not eating regular meals, binge eating, unable to maintain personal hygiene or have insomnia.

- Frequent, uncontrollable physical stalking or harassment of an ex-partner, placing an immense mental and physical burden on both oneself and the other person.

You’re feeling depressed or suicidal

- Persistent feelings of hopelessness or a belief that life is meaningless.

- A total loss of interest in all aspects of life, including activities once enjoyed.

- Thoughts or plans regarding self-harm or suicide (even a fleeting thought warrants immediate professional help).

- An increase in the frequency of emotional breakdowns, or the onset of panic and severe anxiety that feels impossible to control.

Closing thoughts

To my fellow members of the ‘Heartbreak Club,’ what a privilege it is to have had our hearts broken! To be alive, to love with all one’s heart and to be loved in return—how precious that truly is.

In time, you will build a life that no longer hinges on them. You will create new memories, pursue new passions, make new friends, and even find a new sense of self.

You will still remember the inside jokes you shared, your favorite songs, the touch of their hand, and the beautiful scenery you once took in together.

These moments have become a chapter in your life’s story—memories to be cherished or lessons to be learned—serving as nourishment for the chapters yet to come.

For a brief stretch of this short life, we walked alongside one another. Looking back, all that remains is gratitude. Grief is falling in love over and over again. Enjoy this excruciatingly beautiful journey.