Love = emotional chaos

We have all got that friend who has said 1000 times that they need to break up with their partner or get a divorce. 

You have been an empathetic, encouraging and supportive listener, but they run back to the same person again and again.

Maybe you are that friend.

We learn what “love and intimacy” are a lot earlier than puberty. As children we sought attachment from our caregivers and familiarised ourselves with what “love” is based on the feedback we received from them.

The familiar love we grew up with and subsequent relationships we experience might look like:

Emotional chaos: frequent episodes of angry outbursts, depression and anxiety that make you feel like you’re riding a roller coaster or walking on eggshells.

Self-betrayal: you have to always say yes, even when you feel like a no, just to maintain harmony in the relationship.

Loneliness: you feel that you are not acknowledged, seen or heard. There is not much emotional involvement. Your partner appears to be emotionally unavailable for you.

Discouragement: your partner is always telling you “but,” “however,” or “you cannot,” which discourages you from trying new things.

Lack of autonomy: you feel controlled in even the smallest decisions.

Over caregiving: you always sacrifice your own needs to meet their needs.

Fear of abandonment: you feel like they will leave you and you often feel insecure in the relationship. You are described as “needy” and “clingy”.

Sex and only sex: while sex is a huge part of a relationship, it appears that it is the only language you speak with your partner. You crave more than sex as a way to connect.

Perfection is key: your flaws are always being magnified and you are afraid to make mistakes.

“Unresolved trauma has us confuse familiar behaviour as sexual attraction” said Dr. Nicole LePera, a renowned psychologist on healing.

Love is a gift.

We want to choose and co-create what is healthy in a relationship instead of only choosing and co-creating what is familiar. Start with knowing and loving yourself so that you have the readiness for an authentic connection – to receive the gift of love.

If you’re experiencing struggles in your relationships and looking for some guidance, you can always come and speak to a mental health professional, like myself.