Seeing your family when you had a traumatic childhood

Going home for the holidays? It’s not always as joyful as the Christmas songs make it sound. Being back together with your family can trigger old family wounds, as old dynamics surface.
When parents, siblings or extended family behave in the same way that they always have, it can cause deep-seated patterns to arise again – even when you feel like you’ve grown beyond them.

Perhaps your mum withdraws and you feel a pull to go and support her – just like you did in adolescence. Maybe your dad shouts and suddenly you feel like a seven years old again. Passive aggressive comments at the dinner table might have your inner teen screaming and ready to fight.

By identifying the triggering events, you create more space to notice the feelings that arise in you, and address them from a more adult space, rather than reverting to old ways of being.

Here’s my top tips for navigating the return to your family home during the holidays.

Validate your own experience

Other members of your family are likely to be stuck in the same cycles of trauma – which may mean that siblings, caregivers or family members deny your experience. They may see the familial behaviour as ‘normal,’ while you have worked very hard to recognise the impact trauma has had on your wellbeing.

It may feel like others are blind to what’s happening – or worse, you might be tempted to fall into line and accept the behaviour as normal too.

Even if family members are unable to share, understand or validate your feelings – your emotional response to your experiences are true. You can always validate your own experiences – you no longer need anyone else to do this for you (even though it would be nice).

Denial and avoidance is a common coping mechanism for managing trauma – even though it’s unhealthy. People use this technique in order to run away from the impact of damaging behaviour – and sometimes so that they can deny that they’re a part of the problem. This means that those in your family may not be able to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused you – in either the past or the present. 

Remember activation is normal

Experiencing big responses to your triggers doesn’t mean that you’re regressing in your healing journey. Activation is a natural process.

When you witness your triggers, and the responses that arise in you – like heart palpitations, feeling angry or anxious, try to pause and take a deep breath as you observe your feelings or sensations. This will give you a chance to choose your response, rather than react straight away.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you react rather than respond. You’re allowed to be human. Working your way through trauma is a process, rather than a test that you pass or fail. 

Be ready to meet your younger parts

When we’re around our family, our younger parts might show up – from sad child to angry teenager.

They might arrive because our family members are unable to meet our needs.

Be ready before visiting to be disappointed again. Keep grieving the parents you imagined you could have – and remind yourself of the support system that you’ve built that now does meet those needs.

If you can, take yourself somewhere private (like a bathroom) and talk to your inner child. Hold yourself and acknowledge and validate your own feelings. I know, it really hurts to be laughed at. It’s mean and you don’t deserve it. I love you. Stroke your shoulder and recognise how hard it is. Give yourself the love that you need and rock yourself until you feel better. If it’s not safe to do this when you’re close to your family members, you can save this practice for when you’re home. 

Set boundaries

It can be hard to set boundaries in a family dynamic – especially with your parents.

This may be particularly challenging if you were used to being in a caregiver role as a child – you may have learnt to put your parents’ or siblings’ feelings before your own, and may struggle to prioritise your own needs.

You might know that your family members have their own unhealed wounds which result in their poor behaviour. Know that it is possible to be loving and empathetic, while maintaining your standards for the way you want to be treated. Their unhealed wounds do not justify behaviours that cross your boundaries.

A boundary is a limit which applies to your own behaviour, while a rule is one which you try to enforce someone else to follow. An example of a boundary includes: If you raise your voice at me, I will leave the room, or, If you get drunk, I won’t stay overnight, or, I will not stay for more than three hours.

These boundaries do not necessarily need to be spoken out loud – they are a set of behaviours that you have agreed with yourself that you will follow. You should take some time before visiting to consider what’s important to you, what kind of behaviour you’re willing to tolerate and what you won’t. 

Bring a grounding item with you

Having a grounding item can provide self- soothing, and bring you back into your body. It can also help remind you of your commitment to yourself and the boundaries that you have set.

Some ideas for a grounding item include a crystal, a pebble you particularly like, or a small toy. Choose something that resonates with you, and something that can be stowed easily in your pocket for access at all times.

 
Know it’s okay for feelings to be fluid

You’re allowed to feel contrary emotions at the same time, or in quick succession. You might feel joyful and resentful at the same time. Allow those feelings to co-exist as best you can, rather than trying to push one away because you feel you ‘should’ be feeling a certain way.

Let go of the expectations that holiday ‘must be happy all the time’. Or that because your upbringing was troubled, you’re not allowed to feel happy around them.

If your feelings start to get overwhelming, remember you can always take a moment for yourself. Take a journal with you if you feel comfortable to do so, and put your feelings on the page, whether in word or picture form.

If journalling doesn’t feel right in this context, you can always take some deep breaths, or hum to yourself. This can stimulate the vagus nerve and help calm your body and mind.

Create some space for yourself

Don’t put pressure on yourself to stick with your family 24/7, even though it’s the holidays. You can split your time however you feel it is best to do so.

Try to create some space for downtime after your family visit before going back to work, so that you can get some rest after a potentially difficult visit. 

 
Are you the only one of your family in therapy?

You might feel like the odd one out in your family. It’s challenging to see the patterns in your family that others are blind to. Let yourself be the weird one. It’s okay that you’re different. You’ve worked hard to break free from patterns which others are still stuck in.

 
Do you need some extra support?

As a counselling psychologist, I’m experienced in helping people navigate trauma, including complex trauma. I can help you process the difficult events you experienced in your childhood and grief associated with the loss of innocence.

Anxiety and depression are common mental health conditions associated with childhood trauma – together we can explore helpful coping mechanisms to help manage your symptoms.